Gratitude

Thank you for arguing with me. You taught me that sometimes in an argument less is more. Several times you managed to push me to my breaking point, and with scalding hot tears streaming down my cheeks you showed me that it’s those closest to you that will undoubtedly cause you the most agonising pain.

Thank you for second-guessing every romantic gesture I ever made. Sometimes believing them to be nothing more than measly attempts at covering up dark secrets, only solidified their necessity. You taught me that not everyone is capable of such gestures and showing their emotions as easily as I. But I am,  to an almost pathetic, The Notebook, “you had me at hello” degree, and I will not be ashamed of that. You taught me to seek out those worthy of such gestures, and avoid those who are not. I thought you were he.

Thank you for sharing with me. Blasted music from sonos speakers and your love of linguistics and untangling poetry. Thank you for teasing me with handwritten songs, heart felt poems and extravagant plans or one day lists, dangling before me a love that I would never truly own, but you provided me with glimpses of what I deserve and have encouraged me to wait for nothing less.

Faithful friends and imperfect families, you taught me that I can share the intricate facets of my life, with someone else, and that someone would eventually want to include me in their crazy world and embrace mine. I really do have far too much to offer to suffer being another secret. I deserve someone who will match my efforts and who will crave my presence as much as I crave theirs.

Thank you for cosy nights in front of the TV or the fire, with nothing but a remote control, and reruns of David Attenborough  — You reminded me of my affection for the simplistic. You taught me that I am more than capable of putting down the wine glass, wiping off my make-up and sitting in my comfiest clothes and picking up a book or a pen.

Thank you for the loss of affection at times. You taught me that absent touches and a lack of any form of commitment does in fact, affect me. I have learned that I need physical reassurance and verbal affirmation from time to time. I have also learned that such a need, is okay, and is normal, that doesn’t render me needy and incapable of surviving alone.

Thank you for loving me. There were so many moments when, without a doubt, you made me the happiest I have ever been. I just wish that you felt those moments as deeply as I. There were times when a stolen glance, an inside joke about a boat, a tender kiss upon my collar bone and a shared song, with you, sent me into a world of butterfly kisses. You taught me that I am capable of being unapologetically happy, and that I can be that happy again.

Thank you for leaving me to face the toughest of times alone. You taught me that I can survive the worst imaginable situation. That I can survive it with you and that I can survive it without you. I have learned that I cannot change the decisions I have made, but I can learn to live with them, and I can learn from them without the weight of shame upon my shoulders, for beneath my mistakes I am a loving and lovable person.

Thank you for leaving me. I may have been a sobbing mess, and in the past an easy-target for anyone that would give me the affection that I so desperately sought from you. An embodiment of bad decisions and piss-poor life choices. But I was me. Every dark corner and ugly facet of me. And in breaking me down, you taught me how to build myself back up.

Thank you for reminding me of my ability to see realistic transformations within myself. You taught me that it is okay to turn around, and look back at what was, but not for too long. The rear view mirror is just that, a reflection of all that is behind you. I will no longer remain fixated on the what if’s, I will not look back and wish it were different. I gave it my all and now I will use that energy on me and on moving me forwards.

Thank you for exiting stage-right from my world at the end of one of the toughest years of my life. It was very probably the most humane action of our entire relationship. I hated you for it, but you were the stronger of us. You saved me from myself. And you taught me that I could live in a world where you no longer existed, and flourish, a world where being in love didn’t have to mean accepting being someone’s option or comfort blanket, as much as I craved your touch, I needed your hand holding mine, always, not just in moments of convenience for you.

Thank you for impacting me.

Thank you for changing me.

And, finally, thank you for helping create a me who will be loved.

But by somebody else.

2 thoughts on “Gratitude

    1. Thank you Suzan. A goodbye that I am so regretful about, however not everyone who enters your life is there till the finishing line, even if you tried to carry them with you ! Everyone’s taking part in their own race I guess xxx

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