I’m struggling with the rising panic and anxiety in my stomach and my chest. It’s progressively got worse, coming in riptides and dragging me under.

I have my nephrectomy tomorrow morning.

The surgery that will drag me to hell and back before hopefully giving me a chance at life without constant hospital admissions and being reliant on opiates just to get through the day, it will hopefully prevent renal failure.

But all of that aside, my god, I have never been more scared of anything.

I’ve eagerly anticipated this day. Dreaming of what it would be like to not have to endure this chronic relentless condition. I have at times researched the procedure and the recovery, but those fears were once outweighed by the potential benefits.

But now I’m laying in bed fully clothed, a list of things to undertake today before I go in at 6:30am, tomorrow, but I can’t get up, face the day,  because then it’s real.

My last day being able to eat for a while, my last day being able to run long distance, my last day being able to undertake daily chores for a while, my last day pain free, my last day un-scarred, my last day being able to taste the full bodied wines I’ve grown to love, my last day being able to eat salt, proteins and sugars without worrying, my last day knowing that having children isn’t a problem, my last day before everything changes and what am I doing, I’m laying in bed still wearing yesterday’s clothes, totally and utterly shit scared.

Then there are the usual, totally natural concerns, (so a very kind doctor told me yesterday anyway)  “but what if I don’t wake up” and honestly being concerned about those around you – will they know how much I loved them, have I left everything in order, have I hidden diaries and personal items I don’t want people to see (ha ha). And what about those that  aren’t in your world any longer, will they know that I already forgive them for everything, that I don’t bare any grudges, that I will remember only the good times. Seriously … it’s relentless worrying about such ridiculous stuff !

I just want anyone else out there going through this or something similar to know that it’s all normal, natural stuff.

I spent an hour yesterday alone filing paperwork away in case I didn’t wake up , to ensure everything’s in order for my little brother.

I ran my finger across the faces in pictures of those I treasure. Then told myself I was being ridiculous. Swinging from being prepared and organised, caring for others still more than yourself, to telling yourself you are being daft !

If you’re like me, and you’ve been poorly for a while, the negativity of such a situation has probably wore you down. I’m sick of being sick, and not wanting to further worry those around me I’ve kept these worries buried deep in my chest and swallowed the anxiety down for days, not letting these fears slip out of my lips.

I know I’m resilient, I’m courageous, I’m strong, but everyone has a limit and I feel like my limit is lurking somewhere on the horizon. Like how much more can one person endure, how far will this world push them to test them.

Not much further I hope.

Not much further.

Only thing left to wonder is who’s pie is it going to end up in !

Ciao for now at least. X

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