Me without you

The washing is hanging in the garden, gently dancing in the breeze. I’ve worked hard all day, decluttering, minimising and tidying my home, my nest. Fresh towels are folded in the bathroom and each cupboard in the flat organised, with the five spice and John West tuna neatly arranged as you would expect.

Letters are filed in the “bible” of my home, old magazines out for recycling and new candles in their polished holders. New cosmetics now fill the bathroom cabinet, next to the beautiful bath bombs I’ve purchased ahead of moving to my new home, my new home that has a bath, a bath that I plan to lay in for hours at a time, with candles flickering.

Old dresses and junk have been passed on to others to treasure. My wardrobe has been rearranged, handbags, belts and scarves back where they belong. Summer jeans and dresses have been washed and hang ready for balmy days ahead.

The twisted willow at the end of my garden has been cut back and new leaves line her branches. Borders have been dug and baby plants potted and arranged. The garden lanterns have been scrubbed and new candles sit waiting for summer nights. I haven’t got around to purchasing new garden furniture, but I’ve grown rather attached to the table and chairs we sat at on our first date.

And although by my side there is a beautiful picture of you and I, that I just haven’t got around to putting away (or truthfully can’t bring myself to put away), I notice I haven’t cried for weeks. My life is back in order and I feel like me again. I’ve settled into my home and my way of life once more and I feel a calmness I haven’t felt in two years. You should know that my life being jumbled hasn’t been a problem as such, but I once put everything and everyone second to you and being with you in any capacity.

I sit looking at this blog, with pages of my waiting, my hopes and dreams sitting in front of me.  I sit staring and re-reading the ups and downs of our story, of the last 103 weeks of us, and I wonder how something so magical could turn out to be quite so sad.

After recent events I have felt embarrassed. I felt humiliated, that I had felt and documented, on what was supposed to be an anonymous blog, such a deep and consuming love for someone that hadn’t felt the same. I felt foolish, and wondered if those that knew thought that of me also. I took this blog down, hid my writing, for fear of people laughing.

But really, I suppose that none of that matters. You see, these past two years I have felt a love so different from anything I have ever experienced before. I have loved fearlessly, I’ve been able to hand my bruised heart to another. I trusted another enough to reveal me, with my flaws and regrets. So I thank you for that. Because of you, our click, the chemistry and the addiction to everything ‘us’ I have been able to love like never before. You did that without realising and with so little effort.

Even if whilst I was submerged in your bath, hidden under a mass of bubbles, listening to your music you were in the kitchen texting someone else, I still enjoyed being with you in your home, sharing those moments. Even if when we were getting into bed you were texting someone else “good night”, it didn’t matter because my stomach was fizzing at the thought of curling up next to you, at last. What I felt was real.

I loved you, with every beat of my heart. And it is so very sad that you didn’t feel the same, but I’ve come to understand that that doesn’t invalidate my heart, the love I felt for us and the hopes I held for a future with you. We high fived mid-sex … No one can take that away !

There is no denying that I felt ‘us’ so very differently to how you did, but that’s ok, I’ve come to terms with that. We were and very probably still are in different places. I am a lover, a lover of all things love-like, a big bundle of the meltylovestuff ! It’s a rare condition these days, but I know that isn’t for everyone.

I suppose I have always been the same. Ok, I know that I have. But I believe that you have to fight. Not necessarily for the world, but for you. When you find something or someone that stirs a passion inside you, some injustice or some beauty, or … something, you have to go after it, regardless of how big or small it is, because that is all there is in this life. There is nothing else worth wasting your time on. That was all I was ever doing. Fighting for the beauty in ‘us’ that I found. Clinging on tightly, like a barnacle to the bottom of that vessel.

I just wish so deeply that you didn’t betray me.

I didn’t deserve that.

You were supposed to be different.

What we had was magic.

3 thoughts on “Me without you

  1. I just read this post, and even though your experience is a while back now, I so feel you and I understand what you went through. When our bubble of illusion bursts and we have to come to terms with ourselves and the other thats a tough one to face. As you said, we have to accept the reality of our love still being there, worthy and valid, even after we realize the others isn’t. That process is so valuable because it brings us back to us, feeling and seeing ourselves, all our patterns, our motivation, and leads us away from focussing (sometimes obsessing in my case) on the other. I had often found my thought processes just went in circles and were unhealthy. Because we simply can’t change the others past actions, feelings or thoughts, however, we can change our attitude, how we look at ourselves, decide we are worthy of our love no matter what, and so how we will benefit from that painful experience. I really want to commend you for your maturity and am in awe with your wisdom. Thank you for sharing.

    1. I feel awful to have only just seen this. i don’t really come on here anymore as I am starting a new blog – this whole blog was really the story of that person and I – and it felt right to end it.

      But thank you so much for your comments. It is so tough when you feel so deeply for another but that is somehow lost – it’s hard to suddenly switch those emotions off, especially if there has been a pattern of backwards and forwards in the past, I guess you are kind of always waiting for it to go back again, until you locate your self respect that is !

      Thank you for your kind words though.

      When the new blog is launched I shall post the link on here, so feel free to come and join us over there !

      S x

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