You’re not truly mine to miss

When your world spectacularly collides with “the one” be prepared for everything to turn upside down. I had no idea that I would be so consumed by the guy that liked my hair. I had no idea that my heart could feel so much pain and joy all at once. I had no idea that one person could have the ability to posses my very being. He had ignited something in me that may never have been alight before, and my soul felt as though it were on fire, I felt more alive than I have in a very long time. Isn’t that what it’s supposed to feel like. Isn’t that the meltylovestuff?

But, you see, the truth is he has never truly been mine. I’ve never been able to know he was there, to rely on him or even introduce him as my boyfriend, my partner, or whatever is “cool” to say nowadays. There have been times I’ve needed to call or to run to him, and just plain and simple had the urge to just show up and plant an unexpected kiss on that gorgeous face of his for no reason at all, but that hasn’t been possible. It’s never been possible for me to initiate the contact, for various reasons, so I’ve had to patiently wait month after month for him to need me, to want me, to contact me, and I’ve been too frightened to miss an opportunity to spend time with him, because I was never sure when I would next get the opportunity to see him. I’ve stamped my feet like a petulant child and sobbed behind closed doors, but for the most part I’ve had to keep my feelings contained and let him take the lead.

It’s so very hard, having to hold back when you are almost certain you have met “the one”, your soul mate, the other part of you, the person you would give your right arm to spend forever with. It’s even harder when you are speaking from experience, when you’ve been in a partnership with “not the one”, when you’ve painfully identified what does and doesn’t work for you, and what you do and do not want in a partner. To hold back all of that excitement and love when you feel you have at long last found him, when you are almost certain that you could explode if you don’t let some of it out. It hurts. Right in your stomach. Right in your heart. You’ve met the one that makes you understand why it has never worked with anyone else, but it’s still not enough.

Looking at all of the quotes that are out there, “if something’s meant to be, it will be”, “if two people are meant to be, they will find a way”, it’s hard not to get caught up in it all. It’s difficult to not go to bed each night imagining how wonderful things could be if only he felt the same way. It’s so hard to read between the lines objectively, when you want that person in your life more than anything.

The time we spend together, well, the dimples in my face get deeper just recalling how I feel when I am with him. He’s pretty deep for a guy and our conversations take twists and turns in all directions. He intrigues me. We can sit for hours just talking, about our pasts, our deepest feelings and emotions and our hopes for the future. I could listen to him for forever I am sure. I don’t feel sad about my past when I am with him. He reminds me how strong I am to have come so far. He has led a different life to me and he has opened my eyes to the future, he’s made me question my plans for the years that lay ahead of me and filled me with hope. Most importantly he has made me laugh, with his thoughtful, quirky one liners, with his take on things and his ability to turn really dull stuff into something funny. Ok, ok – I’ve got it bad, I know !

Sometimes you can convince yourself that the other person feels the same as you, but deep down you know it’s not the case. With him, it remains a mystery, I’m never quite sure. Just as I’m about to walk away, after him blowing more cold than hot he suddenly up’s his game and we have an amazing time together, and I am left paralysed, unable to set myself free from him.

I catch him looking at me sometimes, like nobody has ever looked at me before, it’s like he can literally see through right into the core of me, I don’t know.  We seem to click in ways that I didn’t know we could, and this is something that we have both recognised and had conversations about. I didn’t know it was possible to share so many inside jokes, phrases, sayings and songs with someone who you’re not even with. How does that happen ?

But sometimes all of that just isn’t enough. For me, now, well, I need forever to start. The pain of not knowing, of yo-yo-ing is beginning to take its toll. I think I actually do have repetitive strain injury from all of the on-again-off-again shazzle. I’m finding it hard to walk away from my chance at forever, and I don’t want to have to. But I don’t want to have to beg for a place in this persons life … I shouldn’t have to.

It’s hard to know when you’ve waited long enough. I suppose when your friends begin tiring of your endless conversations about the “one day” plans, it’s a good sign. The bottom line is, I just want to be happy, with someone who makes me feel this way. I want to be making plans for the weekend and plans for the future. I don’t want to be consumed by another or to consume another, but it’s lovely knowing that you can go about your day-to-day stuff and there is someone there for you, that cares for you, someone to share stuff with. Is it too much to ask? Maybe so.

It’s hard to miss someone who truly isn’t yours, to miss something that hasn’t really begun. It makes you feel as though you are aren’t valid to feel such pain and upset, when there has never really been a concrete relationship to speak of. But that’s where I am, at the crossroads of “hopeful” and “had enough”. On the brink of foreverness. Maybe it’s true, that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but sometimes we don’t know what we are missing until we find it!

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