Sitting at my desk, staring into space. The person that has been camped out in my mind for nearly the last year decides to make his presence felt. My mind drifts to last Summer, and the night we met. I remember not being that keen initially, not being fussed if I heard from him again. I was just non-fussed. Wow, how things have altered.
I’m brought back to earth. I’m back in my office, sitting at my desk, and he is thousands of miles away from me. We have spoken only several times in over a month. Admittedly, this was the norm for us when we first met, but since January there hasn’t been a day that we haven’t communicated in some way. The sudden and abrupt end to our talking has left a void in my life. The void creates a feeling in me that is all too familiar. Loss. More loss. Another thing so dear to me that I can’t quite touch, that is somehow out of reach.
I try to batter the feeling into submission, as I have been practicing recently. Two weeks ago I was faced with the prospect of cutting all ties and proactively trying to move on with my life. I went off on a mission of deletion; texts, whatsapps, emails, pictures and voicemails. It hurts having to erase every trace of him, us, or whatever we may have been. But I know sitting re-reading texts late at night needs to stop. I’ve accepted that this isn’t going to be.
So, you see, this should be relatively straight forward, we all know the drill – Guy meets girl, girl and guy like one another, guy announces that he is not ready for relationship, guy lets girl go, girl cries and drinks wine with girlfriends until new guy comes along and the original guy then realises what he’s lost, just about in time for it being too damn late!
Yeah, well that would be relatively “straight forward” – but “straight forward” never seemed to be able to locate me and my life, so instead he used to send his little mate along in his place. His friend may be familiar to some of you. His friend is called “I’m gonna cock your life up something rotten” … He seemed to be a frequent visitor in my life.
“I’m gonna cock your life up something rotten” has been lingering for about 4 months now. Aforementioned “guy” has taken up residence in my heart and my every waking thought it would seem, even after being served several eviction notices.
Removing the non-paying tenant and their belongings from your heart is no mean feat, as any landlord will tell you.